God Does Listen

It is amazing that if you just shut your mouth sometimes and listen, that God speaks directly to you.  After my post early this morning I felt discouraged and defeated, but this afternoon while trying to figure out how to make my blog look pretty.  I was glancing at some others.  I came across one called Every Day Miracles.  There I was reading Wendi’s blog when I happen to look off to the corner to see a picture of a baby in an incubator.  And underneath it said ‘JD: In our lives for 10 days.  Changed our lives forever.  Dancing with Jesus.’  I lost it and broke down and cried.  I heard Jesus at that moment saying. ‘Tanya, see you really don’t have it all that bad.  Relax and give me your burdens.’ 

http://miraculouschaos.blogspot.com/

And if that wasn’t enough, I was driving with Caleb this afternoon to Lifeway Christian Bookstore and I was listening to a sermon by Greg Laurie.  He had a guest speaker,  Pastor Levi Lusko.  He had lost his 5 year old daughter, Lenya, 5 days before Christmas, suddenly with an asthma attack.

  

http://levilusko.com/topics/family 

Again I heard Jesus say ‘see Tanya, again, be thankful that your son is healthy.  Trust in me, know that I will not leave you.’ 

I find it amazing that through great difficulties, if we open our ears and our hearts, we will hear God speaking to us.

And on the drive home I was listening to Pastor Mark Ambrose http://www.pacificcoastchurch.org/GrowInChrist/SermonArchive.php talking about marching in line walking towards Jesus.  And he was discussing James 5:13 ‘Are any of you suffering hardships?  You should pray. Are any of you happy?  You should sing praises (NLT).  My response. ‘Okay God, I hear you loud and clear!’  I will continue to pray and know that you are listening.

It is times like this afternoon, where I am lifted and strengthened and rejuvenated by the Lord.

Thank you Jesus.

Sleepless Nights

It’s after midnight and it seems to be the only time right now where I get about (dare I say it) 2 hours of quiet.  I’m struggling right now, my faith is being tested.  I desperately want to say I’m fine and doing well, but in reality I’m falling to pieces.  I have an 8 month old son who is an angel during the day, but at night, it’s a different story.  He doesn’t sleep.  What sleep he does rounds off to about 5-7 hours from 8:00 pm-8:00 am.  I have been to 3 doctors telling me things from, he has night tremors (no), he has silent acid reflux (no), he has Candida in his stomach (don’t think so), and yet here we are still trying to figure it out.  I would like to think that my child has just been used to being catered.  See, right now we are living with my parents.  We sold our home in Glendale in August and have been in the process of finding a home and buying a home ever since.  We have found a home in Aliso Viejo that is a short sale.  But you see a short sale is really a long sale.  We have finally been told by the lenders that our offer is accepted, so now we are getting our loan together.  Where I’m going with this is that my child from 2.5 months has been schlepped and placed in crib, pack n play, crib, pack n play, to crib here at my parents home.  He has never had a feeling of security and comfort in a space.  As much as I love my mother, she coddles him (what Grandmother doesn’t) but when you live with her it’s constant.  Caleb just expects to be picked up rocked, fed, played with at all times.  Even at 3am.

Where does this leave me?  Sleeping about 4 hours a night and dealing with a 4 year old in the morning and a mother that keeps trying to tell me that my son is sick.  It’s so frustrating.  I’m angry, I’m tired, and I feel like God isn’t listening to me.  Prayers that come every night when I put him down to bed, prayers at 3 am with tears begging to help him sleep.  Prayers with my husband.  It’s even gotten to the point where my 4 years old prays at the dinner table ending with ‘and please let Caleb and Mommy sleep tonight.’

I know there is a silver lining soon with moving into our new home.  But in this moment right now, I feel so empty, the depression begins to creep up on me.  But I won’t let him get in.  I never want to go to spot in my life.

You see, I thought after all the difficulties with Soren, that somehow God would give us a break on Caleb.  I know it sounds foolish, but it was a hope and prayer that I had from the minute I found out I was pregnant.  I sit and try to wonder what purpose this fills for God.  Because all I see is a tired, cranky, smart talking, back talking bitch that is me.  I’m not the me I was 3 years ago, no, I hate who I am right now.  Forget the physical aspect.  I just hate the person I am.  I have no patience for anyone, I don’t want to talk to anyone because I don’t want to hear their advice for me.  I can’t even find a space to cry without someone asking me if I’m okay.

I know that I need to just keep my faith in God and know that His plans exceed mine.  But I need some sort of help here.  Something that will last.

Lord,Please help us.  Please allow us to find sleep and peace.  Please help Caleb find a solice and comfort in an object, help him know that his crib is a safe place.  Help relax and be calm.  Lord, help me!!  If I cannot have sleep then please give me strength.  Give me strength to be able to handle this living situation.  Lord, I don’t know if what is happening is a punishment or lesson, but I just need some sort of silver lining to help me get through this.

Please Lord I ask you, you say yourself that if we continue to pray that there must be answer at some point.  I keep knocking Lord, but I don’t see you answering.  Please answer.

In Jesus name,
Amen.

Search for the LORD and for his strength; continually seek him.  Psalm 105:4 (NLT)