From Dream Home to Practical Home

Back in 2008, John and I found the perfect family home.  In a suburb of Los Angeles, Glendale, we found a perfect 3 bedroom home built in 1929.  Character everywhere.  For the Interior Designer it was a dream come true.  For a contractor it was a dream come true.  For John and I it marked all of the qualities we wanted in a home.

Albeit the home was not move in ready.  Far from it.  This home needed a new kitchen and master bathroom.  With that said we would have to move the stairs in order to achieve the new kitchen.  Day and night John worked long hours at work to come home and work long hours on the house.  I was 5 months pregnant and staring at an entryway with plywood floors, no stairs, and a giant structural beam in the kitchen.  Trust me, there were days where I thought we bit off more than we could chew.  The funny thing is that it wasn’t the construction that caused us to bite off too much of, it was the cost of the home itself.

When we purchased the home I was working full time for a Southern California General Contractor, making a very good income.  My husband was on the up and up at his General Contracting company.  Together we were making a very comfortable income.  

Then our first son, Soren was born, our gift from God.  Soren was born only 3 weeks early but suffered from Pulmonary Hypertension and Respiratory Distress.  In other words, he couldn't breath.  His lungs were underdeveloped and was rushed off to NICU.  On day 2 the staff told us that if we believe in God to pray because our child was the sickest baby in the NICU.  Well pray we did, our Pastor drove from Oceanside to Cedars Sinai in Los Angeles.  There we all prayed for Soren to recover.  That night John and I sat in our hotel room by the hospital and prayed, and prayed we asked that if it was God’s will to take our child then to take him peacefully and to give us the strength to cope with the loss.  But it would be our deepest prayer for you God to save him and bring him to recovery.  Well that next morning the neonatologist came to us and said. ‘I’m not sure what happened last night but Soren has made a turn for the better.’  We knew right then there that God was there and answered our prayer.  It was approximately 2.5 weeks later that the neonatologist asked us if we were ready to take Soren home.  Really?  On Christmas Eve?  And that we did.  Soren came home on Christmas Eve 2008.

The reason I brought this story up related to our family home was that, we had no idea how much Soren’s medical bills would cost us.  Just one bill alone (his visit in NICU) came to $697,000.  Now granted we had insurance, but it didn’t cover the entire sum.  That next year, Soren was in and out of the hospital at least two dozen times.  Twice staying for over a week.  In 2009 we owed somewhere between $60,000-80,000.  As a couple we had not planned on these expenses.  And with the home expenses we just ate our savings.

So in 2010 we completed our remodel and realized that with me not working, we would have to scrounge to live in our home.  We became…house poor…

We loved our home very much, but you know, both John and I believe that we treated our home as an idol.  We cared more about our home than the Lord.

So in August of 2012, when our last dollar was gone from or savings, we decided to sell the house.  And you know what’s funny?  We prayed that night.  We prayed that if it was God’s will for our home to be sold that it be sold quickly.  And what happened on the Friday the listing went on the MLS?  A celebrity bought our home cash on that Monday and asked if we could be out in 8 days.  Don’t ask God a question if you are not prepared for the answer.  And the other comical aspect…our house sold for $1 less than what we paid for it.  Both John and I felt that that was God confirming that we treated the home like an idol.

Many thirty somethings don’t get their dream home.  We did, and we lost it.  But that’s okay, we had a taste of it, and the taste was nice but in the end it was not worth all the effort.  So today, we are downsizing.  We are making life simpler.  We are focusing on our children, not about the stuff.  We want our kids to know that mom and dad love them more than the stuff.

As a high school friend of mine said on her blog:"the memories we want our kids to have, we create.  We don't let it slip by. We make the memories we want them to grow old with. http://leslieautumn.blogspot.com/

So we are getting ready to embark on our new home in Aliso Viejo.  A much more modest home, but a home that we can add memories to and a place for our children to grow with other kids.  It is a beautiful home and we are so excited for this new chapter!

Joshua 24:15 “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

God Does Listen

It is amazing that if you just shut your mouth sometimes and listen, that God speaks directly to you.  After my post early this morning I felt discouraged and defeated, but this afternoon while trying to figure out how to make my blog look pretty.  I was glancing at some others.  I came across one called Every Day Miracles.  There I was reading Wendi’s blog when I happen to look off to the corner to see a picture of a baby in an incubator.  And underneath it said ‘JD: In our lives for 10 days.  Changed our lives forever.  Dancing with Jesus.’  I lost it and broke down and cried.  I heard Jesus at that moment saying. ‘Tanya, see you really don’t have it all that bad.  Relax and give me your burdens.’ 

http://miraculouschaos.blogspot.com/

And if that wasn’t enough, I was driving with Caleb this afternoon to Lifeway Christian Bookstore and I was listening to a sermon by Greg Laurie.  He had a guest speaker,  Pastor Levi Lusko.  He had lost his 5 year old daughter, Lenya, 5 days before Christmas, suddenly with an asthma attack.

  

http://levilusko.com/topics/family 

Again I heard Jesus say ‘see Tanya, again, be thankful that your son is healthy.  Trust in me, know that I will not leave you.’ 

I find it amazing that through great difficulties, if we open our ears and our hearts, we will hear God speaking to us.

And on the drive home I was listening to Pastor Mark Ambrose http://www.pacificcoastchurch.org/GrowInChrist/SermonArchive.php talking about marching in line walking towards Jesus.  And he was discussing James 5:13 ‘Are any of you suffering hardships?  You should pray. Are any of you happy?  You should sing praises (NLT).  My response. ‘Okay God, I hear you loud and clear!’  I will continue to pray and know that you are listening.

It is times like this afternoon, where I am lifted and strengthened and rejuvenated by the Lord.

Thank you Jesus.

Sleepless Nights

It’s after midnight and it seems to be the only time right now where I get about (dare I say it) 2 hours of quiet.  I’m struggling right now, my faith is being tested.  I desperately want to say I’m fine and doing well, but in reality I’m falling to pieces.  I have an 8 month old son who is an angel during the day, but at night, it’s a different story.  He doesn’t sleep.  What sleep he does rounds off to about 5-7 hours from 8:00 pm-8:00 am.  I have been to 3 doctors telling me things from, he has night tremors (no), he has silent acid reflux (no), he has Candida in his stomach (don’t think so), and yet here we are still trying to figure it out.  I would like to think that my child has just been used to being catered.  See, right now we are living with my parents.  We sold our home in Glendale in August and have been in the process of finding a home and buying a home ever since.  We have found a home in Aliso Viejo that is a short sale.  But you see a short sale is really a long sale.  We have finally been told by the lenders that our offer is accepted, so now we are getting our loan together.  Where I’m going with this is that my child from 2.5 months has been schlepped and placed in crib, pack n play, crib, pack n play, to crib here at my parents home.  He has never had a feeling of security and comfort in a space.  As much as I love my mother, she coddles him (what Grandmother doesn’t) but when you live with her it’s constant.  Caleb just expects to be picked up rocked, fed, played with at all times.  Even at 3am.

Where does this leave me?  Sleeping about 4 hours a night and dealing with a 4 year old in the morning and a mother that keeps trying to tell me that my son is sick.  It’s so frustrating.  I’m angry, I’m tired, and I feel like God isn’t listening to me.  Prayers that come every night when I put him down to bed, prayers at 3 am with tears begging to help him sleep.  Prayers with my husband.  It’s even gotten to the point where my 4 years old prays at the dinner table ending with ‘and please let Caleb and Mommy sleep tonight.’

I know there is a silver lining soon with moving into our new home.  But in this moment right now, I feel so empty, the depression begins to creep up on me.  But I won’t let him get in.  I never want to go to spot in my life.

You see, I thought after all the difficulties with Soren, that somehow God would give us a break on Caleb.  I know it sounds foolish, but it was a hope and prayer that I had from the minute I found out I was pregnant.  I sit and try to wonder what purpose this fills for God.  Because all I see is a tired, cranky, smart talking, back talking bitch that is me.  I’m not the me I was 3 years ago, no, I hate who I am right now.  Forget the physical aspect.  I just hate the person I am.  I have no patience for anyone, I don’t want to talk to anyone because I don’t want to hear their advice for me.  I can’t even find a space to cry without someone asking me if I’m okay.

I know that I need to just keep my faith in God and know that His plans exceed mine.  But I need some sort of help here.  Something that will last.

Lord,Please help us.  Please allow us to find sleep and peace.  Please help Caleb find a solice and comfort in an object, help him know that his crib is a safe place.  Help relax and be calm.  Lord, help me!!  If I cannot have sleep then please give me strength.  Give me strength to be able to handle this living situation.  Lord, I don’t know if what is happening is a punishment or lesson, but I just need some sort of silver lining to help me get through this.

Please Lord I ask you, you say yourself that if we continue to pray that there must be answer at some point.  I keep knocking Lord, but I don’t see you answering.  Please answer.

In Jesus name,
Amen.

Search for the LORD and for his strength; continually seek him.  Psalm 105:4 (NLT)